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you bitch. [01 Nov 2004|03:06pm] [ mood | cynical ] haha. so last night was a complete knockoff. -.-" i actually forgot it was halloween until the doorbell rang. (argh that dumb bitch) i was like "wtff?" and i opened the door and these kids were like TRICK OR TREAT. and i was like oooooh yeah, huh?!     i actually have never been on the other side of the door on halloween. :\\ very weird.. i asked this one girl if i could have her candy because she had 2 pillowcases full of them. FULL!! anywhome. it sucked being alone on halloween total crap. argh. you lucky lucky tot-ters. :| [tear] lol. yeah hmmkeywhateveerr. we went to 99ranch - boba - gym. hoopla! i did not know ive lost weight. seriously... id expected to get fatter but...94lbs with shoes ON doesnt sound so bad, right? ...right. ontoo away. i have a project due tomorrow and havent started. :\ what ay dump. im so sick here. sure family is okay except for a certain asshole who is a fucking crossdresser [cough alex cough.] but with noone i know here- oh myyy hearttt- its hell. argh. when i come back to culver - ill kick them all with mey kickass combat boots [ ♥ ] . heheh. blah. oh yeah. mom opened me a savings acct. there goes all my precious money... :[ - well not really. $300 worth. roarr. ahah. [ hear me ROARRRRR!! ] hehehehe. i think i shall post a picture of the humongo tumbleweed and the boy-jojo. :) ( tumble. ) 00133 _♥ letters

[30 Oct 2004|11:14pm] [ mood | emo ] so this evening was soo emo. i thought alot- which isnt good because it leads to depression. god i feel so lonely. nothing really helps either. not even talking it out. nope. i have noone to talk to anyway. i have to do everything mysself. im not good at that. im very independent- but its not like anyone can live with noone to have fun with or talk to. god- how spoiled am i right? doesnt it seem like were so self obsessed when we think about things in the past. but when youre actualy feeling it there and then- its so intense. i love jackie and kadee. me lovely therapists- most of me wants to just run but another part is telling to stop bitching when i have pretty good. oh well. no matter how much i bitch about it- i still have to live right? 007 _♥ letters

long-but-worth-reading entry. so read. [29 Oct 2004|08:55pm] [ mood | blank ] [ music | all american rejects - swing swing swing ] happy lame halloween. </strong>one i will spend un-TOTing.    no school today and monday. 4day weekend. some fucking retarded holiday. no- not halloween, bimbo. blah. im going to the gym tomorrow, yay excercise. im getting effing FAT. blah whatev. argh. i went through my stuff and journals- found a VERY old emo poem. - look at hello__emokid  - it actually made me sad again. ergh. one line i wrote landed me on super bummer mode- "she wants to feel- just not too much". its soo lonely here- like noone can imagine. and so everythings like- numb. you can't feel happiness or total sadness or too much anger (well maybe.) BUT. its like you want to feel things; but the things around you have no effect on you- youre just neutral. which is totally weird. and everything - sigh. i think way too much. dearr. anywhom. i went shopping for jeans yesterday. totally unsuccessful. i got everything but jeans. although i scored kickass vans. :) yay. then a scarf and a jesusismyhomeboy shirt. whoot. :) and more presents from this church lady. now no school today, liq.eyeliner blush eyemakeup, new clothes. put two and two together. and of course- i kept busy. :) and now, ladies and gentlemen, i introduce you ( my shoeling ) onto the next subject. - my doodles. god i dont know how long ive been doing this but doodling is fcuking addictive. and ill show you samples of my work. i think theyre hot- and thats because ive worked hours on these (actually one a schoolday- when im very bored.) anywhats- enjoy, dorks. (  7 ) -huge edit- anywhooo. i forgot to tell you guys the super freaky dream i had last night. :0 its soo weird anywhats- ( here ) 008 _♥ letters

emo post [25 Oct 2004|07:06pm] [ mood | crushed ] fuck. i lost all my pictures from retreat. fuuck. argh. anywho. the retreat was pretty fun and everything. it was actually nice to have the pastor tell the cold truth other than making it seem so effing FAKE. yeaah. and jojo still has my shirt. grr. yeah. okay. i just dont get it because when im in la its like everythings cool again and RIGHT when i come in the house- i get so fucking pissed at EVRYTHING. everything here just IRRITATES the shit out of me. and like at the retreat i see these people who've probably gone through alot of things and god helped them- but i do that because i dont know why- i just dont get the rushy feeling that i think alot of people get and i dont know why. and when im here- everything and everyone from everywhere ignores me. especially la people. its like when im not there i DONT EXIST. and that scares the crap out of me. bad things happen to me here. its like i cant be happy here. when i was in culver- i could sleep and not think about things. here id just think alot and then cry myself to sleep. then wake up and remember things again and i get depressed the whole day. that sucks. and i have no motivation to do anything. nothing. everythings so lonely here and i have to deal everything all by myself. wtf is up with that? agh. fucking frustrating 0010 _♥ letters

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